A sexologist and psychotherapist talks about the causes of erectile dysfunction and ways to overcome them.
Where is the growing potential or "male power" going?
The Internet and television are full of advertisements for "miracle" pills and potions that promise to restore "male potency" and get rid of erectile dysfunction. And supply, as we know, is born of demand. What happened - why did men "spoil"? Was the Internet and social networks "more interesting" than women living? Or are the ladies themselves to blame for the fact that their husbands want to be less and less men, but also to fulfill this desire?
These and other questions were answered by a well-known sexologist-psychotherapist.
If a man is not interested in a specific woman and sexual life in general, it leads to impotence. . . Is this fair?
- The term "potency" was removed from the world classification of diseases and replaced by the term "erectile dysfunction". However, the word "impotence" is still very common in everyday life. The literal translation is "no power. "For men, this is a very important area of life. And if there are failures, in almost every situation, regardless of the underlying cause, there is also a mental component. Men only see the symptoms, the result. And they refer to the loss or weakening of the erection in the process of sexual intercourse. Of course, these complaints are usually accompanied by an emotional component. The man may have anxiety and even depression. Women think the same way they think about men, in fact, they all want to be successful not only at work, but also in their personal lives.
There is a lot of talk now about the "rejuvenation" of powerlessness. Is that so?
- I have 16 years of professional experience and I can rely not only on statistics, but also on my own observations. Indeed, over the last 10-15 years, there has been a decline in the average age of our patients. More young people are participating. At the beginning of my career, the average age of patients was 40, now it is 35.
If a man "can't and doesn't want to", what is the main culprit: physiology, psychology, or maybe social factors?
- Usually there is no single reason. When communicating with a patient, I try to understand his lifestyle - how are his emotions, does he get enough sleep, is there a middle-aged crisis? What is his attitude in the intimate sphere, what is his partner's behavior? After all, for example, a woman who does not know how to cheat, but demands the fulfillment of "marriage duty" is often one of the causes of psychogenic erectile dysfunction. Often in practice there is an anxious expectation syndrome from sexual failure. In this situation, a man corrects his failure and waits for him next time. Sex becomes a test for him. Sexual neurosis is also formed when a woman voluntarily or involuntarily "adds fuel to the fire. "And the man triggers the "avoidance behavior. "Some are exposed to work or alcohol. Some unknowingly argue with their spouses to make the idea of intimacy seem absurd. Confused men sometimes choose different ways instead of going to the doctor. And aggravate the problem and relationship with a partner, spouse. And not far from divorce. Some people go to a urologist because of illiteracy, but it is necessary - a sexologist.
"Can't" or "can't"?Women often suffer from a question: what is more important - "can not" or "does not want"?
- As they say, one does not interfere with the other - it is possible to "want" and "fail" at the same time. But it is important to remember that an erection is, first of all, a clear indication of "I want", not "I can". But even this "desire" is not unlimited. Much depends on the sexual constitution, ie the temperament of the man.
Is it true that men themselves often do not see the problem, or even accuse a woman of wanting "too much" from him?
- You can demand compliments and eroticism from a man - for example, kisses, gentle strokes. And erection is not subject to the will. Neither the will of the woman nor the will of the man. As soon as the word or thought "need" appears, this is the beginning of the path to the dead end.
More and more people are talking about the effects of stress on a modern person - is it really so terrible for the intimate sphere?
- Of course. Nature is against conception in a stressful situation. And reduces the degree of attraction through hormonal mechanisms. Stress levels rise - levels of the anti-stress hormone prolactin rise, which in turn suppresses the production of testosterone, which is responsible for sexual desire in both men and women. As a result, the sexual sphere becomes deactivated.
The main woman is the mother.It is said that a man's ability to "be a man" depends on his upbringing and his relationship with his mother - is that true?
- Surely! The first prototype of a woman for a boy is a mother. It is the foundation of a relationship with the opposite sex. Every woman who wants happiness for her child, especially a boy, should breastfeed him for at least the first year after birth. It is during this period that a positive and negative, open or cautious attitude towards women is formed. The mother is first and foremost a woman. And if the family is not complete and the mother tries to play the role of both parents, the child will not see the behavior of either woman or man. . . And the result is the experience of communicating with the opposite sex. can be negative. This is a direct way of isolation and frustration. . . Moreover, isolation can be emotional, not literal. For example, a man can be alone and change his partners forever. In sexology, this is called promiscuity. Therefore, if a person dreams of creating a strong and happy family, these situations require in-depth study.
What are the most common mistakes made by mothers raising boys?
- A boy should see an example of male behavior. If not in the family, in the sports department. In the end, there are uncles and grandfathers. But ideally, of course, the boy must be a father loved by his mother. Excessive guardianship, pressure, dictation is dangerous. They are full of the appearance of child and female behavior in a teenager.
Get married - just for love! Some women are obsessed with their appearance and do everything to please their husbands. Some stop caring for themselves and focus on their families and children. Maybe a woman in general behaves so "wrongly" that her husband simply loses interest in intimate life?
- A lot depends on a woman, both positively and negatively. For example, you can appear in front of your husband in a sloppy dress, rebuke him in case of sexual failure (although if you think about it, in fact, it is not his, but his failure), you can start to support him, humiliate him and "finish". off "and with all your actions and the result is this: she doesn't want anything! That's why I always say to young women who come to see me: " Marry for love, respect your man, praise him - he will play mountains for you! ""Neat appearance, good physical shape, perfume, care are always an advantage. But the temptation to panic about the appearance of some women is already a problem of women's self-esteem and relationships with others. After all, if people attract each other only with their bodies, it is human love. "castrated ". There must be a desire of the spirits, people must be interested together not only in bed but also outside it.
These are "terrible" business women. Is it possible that a socially successful woman does not attract a man, but rather intimidates him? Where did the armies of beautiful, intelligent, and successful women suffering from loneliness come from? Why do men run away from them?
- We are not talking about success, but about behavior. If a woman in a competitive environment begins to use male patterns of behavior - for example, she becomes assertive, tough, and this is sometimes required in a competitive environment, men or, to put it more simply, "courageous" men do not like it. Women - more "women" (these are the so-called "sisters"), such a model may seem attractive, because they are accustomed to obedience.
Take care of men! If a man is ready to fight for the happiness of his family, how should he behave when his husband has a problem in bed?
At least you should let him sleep. Stop any criticism altogether - even a criticism that a woman finds constructive. Apologize for past mistakes. To say that you do not need sex for at least a week. It's time to get to know each other better. And against this background - daily soothing massages with oils. And you need to do them one by one. If there is no positive dynamics in this background, you should definitely consult a sexologist who can find both medical and hidden psychological reasons for the situation. It is important to explain to the man that he will not look "guilty" or "sick" at the reception. You need to see a doctor to improve the quality of your sex life - and it's possible!
Is there an example from your experience that a woman helped a man gain self-confidence - in every sense?
- I will tell you about the wife of my last patient. His behavior is amazing! I was approached by an entrepreneur who was suffering a lot in the new economic environment. Many problems fell on him, and during the stress began to decrease the attraction to his wife. But most of all, he was worried about how to tell her, maybe he would soon lose his business completely and would be left with free and huge debts. . . But her husband was accustomed to a high standard of living. . . . I advised him to tell me everything that was there. If not a close person, who will support us in difficult times? And my intuition did not deceive me. At the next reception, the patient said that his wife listened to him and said: "It's okay, then I'll go to work. And anyway, I fell in love with you when I was a poor student. I love you now and I will always love you no matter what. he was strong, the panic went away, things got better - in every sense. At the last meeting he told me: "I will never leave my wife - I will remember this day for the rest of my life! "I think this woman deserves her love. I am calm in their relationship. I want people to love, appreciate, respect and support each other more. And these were not words, but deeds.